Saturday, July 9, 2011

You can run but you can't hide

For the last 6 months I have embarked on a health and fitness journey that has made me want to get off of the ride more than once and eat a pizza, or a whole cake (I think I did that once), or just lay and watch TV and not do the things necessary to watch my health.

As soon as I look at my kids though no matter how tired I am I can at least bang out 1 mile on the treadmill and do some ab work, or some squats.   They make me make healthier choices.  And physically they keep me going.  I don't know if I've run more this week or worked out harder because I'm getting ready for my first MUD RUN next weekend.  But I am sore, but beyond sore, joints hurt, my feet hurt, when I get out of bed I feel like I am being stabbed in the bottom of my foot.  So I take some Advil, suck it up and do the next indicated thing.

I have got to work on the mental part of my health and not stuff all the things that are bothering because that leads me to make a lot of choices that are unhealthy way beyond just eating a pizza.  My marriage is in a bad place and I hate autism and I got laid off, and we are broke and everything I say or do at least in our house gets put down or criticized, so instead of reacting I run, maybe I'm running too much.  I don't know.  But I am putting it out there and just knowing that it's out there takes a little anxiety away.  I have things here I need to do but am stuck in a place of fear.

The things I know I need to do to fix the problems are stop procrastinating, stop blaming, be honest with everyone, stop waiting for it to get better and make it better.    I do know I am a good mom to my kids, I do know that I am smart and there will be a job that will allow me to work and care for my kids.  I don't want to sink into this quicksand of depression so I have to get out of it and move and change.  I am the only one that will do it for me and my kids, so what in the hell is wrong with me, why am I not changing? I just don't know how to do that, I figure out a little bit more everyday on the treadmill and on the road but I have a long way to go to find that happiness that I want.

I know it's there but it's hiding and I'm going to find it, I just need some help trying to get there. 


Rebecca
 

2 comments:

  1. That? Looked like a great vent. Do you feel any better for having written it?

    You have so much going on. I tend to turn to exercise to get away from it all, and then I come home and eat. So I never seem to get anywhere, really.

    Anyway. Your road is hard right now. I'm rooting for you.

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  2. Saying prayers for you! The foot pain could be heel spirs or Plantar Fasciitis. I've had both and that's exactly how I would describe the pain. I was laid off in 2009 and off work for a long 9 months - not sure how we got through it but God provided. I realize now that He had a better plan and a better job for me that gives me the flexiblity I need to be with my ASD Kids. Take care.

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