Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The time has come - DAMMIT

Well last week, I was the victim of this hellacious economy (AGAIN) and was laid of from my job.  I worked part time for a friend of ours that allowed my schedule to be from 5am - 11am, so either myself or my husband was with our kids my husband works 12 - 9pm.  So with Franklin's school and his therapy and being that we participate in a lot of the therapy that is done in our home this was IDEAL for us.  The money was not ideal in fact we were just squeeking by barely.  My husband often refers to our financial situation as we are one bad transmission away from financial disaster.

So this week I put it out there and began the search for full time work.  And I have a job interview tomorrow.  This is not the mom that I wanted to be working and taking care of kids.  I didn't mind it before the Autism diagnosis but I am sick about it.  Who will advocate for him, who will make sure he is on the bus, who will make sure he eats, who will make sure he is socially engaging people?   Or my bigger fear, will he start to do better at the hands of a care provider?  Will he start talking, engaging, eating anything other than Doritos and Chicken?  Will my 2 year old stop being a terrorist and be the sweet thing he is at night when we cuddle before bed?    I don't want to miss those things, and I swear the feeling of inadequacy as a mom is overwhelming on my best day.  On days where I am suffering from low self-esteem, or my kids are needy or Franklin is having a special "autism" meltdown type day, or is on a hunger strike, or is pooping and bringing it to me,  who is going to take care of that?

I want to help contribute financially to our family.  I know that it will take the burden and stress off of my husbands shoulders (hopefully then being a jerk all the time will be eased into some of the time).  I know the stress has gotten and is getting to both of us.

We can not sell our house and rent, and we have cut out every extra amenity we could.  I don't get haircuts, manicures, pedicures, buy clothes or go out.  We are bare bones and have been for sometime.  Rent in our area is higher than what our mortgage is.  When we bought our house we could afford it.  We have lived in our home for 8 years completely remodeled it and its gorgeous, and for an extra thousand dollars in rent we can move to a DUMP.

So I am sucking it up, as I cry and will work, and know I am doing the best for my kiddos.  I will miss them terribly during the day.  I have to say I respect the moms that go to a job and work all day and keep a house, and take care of the kids and do it all with grace and calmness.  I seriously doubt my abilities to get it all done.  I will do my best, and if I end up stealing a child's Ritalin to get through the day (KIDDING).  I will need suggestions and orders to follow from those of you moms that blaze the trail in front of me?

How do you work, care for your kids, clean house, have everyone eat right, care for your home, work out, stay fit, and get some sleep?  It's overwhelming, and I'm not trying to be a baby, I just really can barely do it now only working until noon.  How do you all do it????  Will I be able to do it?

Rebecca

2 comments:

  1. I wish you were right here so I could give you a hug and buy you a stiff drink. It is a hard road and it takes a warrior...which you are. Those kids who we worry about, cry over and and lose sleep over can bring us moments of unspeakable joy as I am sure your Franklin and Jackson has brought you. I am sorry for what you are going through and wish I had the words to help. Much love to you.

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  2. I feel the same way as the previous post - wish I could give a hug, too. We do the best we can and when that just doesn't seem like it's enough, we give it up to God. You can do this and hopefully it is just temporary and you can find something again with flexible hours. Hang in there! Just know that you are not alone....I hate to admit it but I had to dig out all the change in our house and take it to the bank today to keep the checking account balance in the positive. I'm just grateful I had the change. Sending prayers your way!

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